Lesson 5

Bidet
Never think that you have covered all areas, always look behind… Well, in the Italian integration process I soon found out that you don’t mess with a bidet.
At the planning process of the house they are building I had the opportunity to make changes and the one I really wanted was to get rid of the bidet.

When I mentioned this to the agent, architect and builders, I was looked at if I just said that Mussolini was a great leader. They were disgusted! No bidet? A bidet is what Italian has been built upon. I was still in my denial phase you I pushed the decision through. Until I had to sign the formal documents at the notary office. In a very posh place I was facing an elderly notaire that didn’t speak a word of English. My agent was translation and things went smoothly, until the he stopped and looked up with a strange facial expression; NO BIDET? Oh my God, him too. He explained that if the place was in Torino for instance he was not allowed to continue the Final Act since the house didn’t have a bidet, he quoted a real law article.

I reassured that the place was not there and that I do take showers and wash my hand and it he smiled slightly and carried on. I guess I am never be able to resell the house or become a real Italian but in any case I enjoyed 5 lessons that made me taste a little bit of the Dolce Vita.

Lesson 4

Patience
Any person considering taking all lesson should pay particular attention to lesson
4. Patience is something you need in truck loads. My worst experience was getting a modem for my laptop. A relatively simple request which only took 10 days to get a solution that works at the speed of 56K, crashes my pc, makes me travel from town to town and finally connected, the sales person told me that it needed to be activated and that was for the next day.

A typical Italian shopkeeper is friendly put prefers to sell and move on. His or his argument is simple; the solutions work and if they don’t…its my fault and the often tend to add the word stupido to it. Getting angry, shouting (I am learning) and making gestures is not helpful, you just need to search until you find a solution and than don’t bother explaining it to them because they will reply; I told you so.
My advise it to visit shops early in the morning, so that you have the rest of the day to fix what they suggested as solution.

Lesson 3

Food
Ask an Italian about where to eat and you will be obliged to take half a day off and bring a note book. Every Italian has his favourite restaurant but added sub categories to it.

The best restaurant in different cities, the best pizza, the best pasta, the best fish dishes, the best ice creams, the best coffee. The list goes on and on and in many cases you be better off just walking into a restaurant that has lots of shouting people…clearly a sign that this restaurant is offering a real Italian experience. Just one tip, don’t go when there is a football match.

The whole place will be rearranged with neatly placed chairs and the whole restaurant is packed with men of all ages, staring at a huge LCD screen and being silent…until the referee makes a mistake or there is a goal. I watched it from outside and it really made me realize that the zoo is actually quiet close by.

Lesson 2

Television
As in many cultures, television has become an important piece of furniture in a home and for Italy this is no different. Or is it? Well, I have spend one week watching tv at different moments in time and one thing became clear. Italy has redefined a television experience with three ingredients that are used in abundance; Quiz shows, Women and Football.

However not just like that, a Quiz show runs for at least 4 hours, involves a lot of singing, short men and tall women and nobody seems to be able to win a prize. The second ingredient should be the first because Italy loves its women. They are all tall, blond, show a lot of cleavage and have enjoyed numerous visits to the Nip/Tuck doctors. Final part is Football or Calcio. Are the Italians passionate about football? Well, I have never seen a program on television that runs for three hours with a panel of specialists that analyses the last football matched without showing any footage of the actual match ! This is prime time and even considerated intellectual, it clearly shows again that Italians just love to talk!

Lesson 1

The language
In order to blend in quickly and become a real Italian you have to learn the language, or that is what my simple mind thought. No, Italians have a different language; the language of Shout and Gesture. To get your point across in any conversation you need to start talking louder and louder until the state of being Italian, which for us equals ….Shouting.

Naturally shouting is not enough, you have to use you hands. While the average European is only be able to use of finger for a gesture, Italians can do this with 10! So much skills that not even their mobile phones drop on the floor or their sunglasses move from their nose.

But I have to add they always have style doing in. Something my ‘learn Italian in 3 months’ book never mentioned but I have to admit I am only at page 10.

How to become Italian

The following stories will highlight what it takes to become an Italian. They are all based on real experiences and have therefore been tested and approved by OrangeEmpire laws.

Off air

Yes indeed, I guess you having been missing the OrangeEmpire bits but the Italian telecom powers decided to challenge my patience and invent solutions that didnt work or even worse damage my computer. However giving up is not part of my dictionnary and Alice has shown me her hand and I mentioned to 'connect' with it!

Over the coming very late evenings I will update you all on the Bosa Nostra in Seborga and Bordighera and add some pics too.

Some more patience and soon you can say again ; a story a day makes the boredom stay away... Well, I will give a good run for its money :)