Sherlock Builder

Normally I was allowed to move in on Saturday providing that the exterior of the house still needed to be finished and I was therefore very happy to accept my delivery of electronic appliances on Saturday, after hours of waiting.
In the meantime I continued to scrutinize the house for the progress and things they have put in place since the last visit. Of course they know me by now and know ways to cover up but this time I came prepared! I dressed up as filter unit (as you can see in the picture) to blend in with the building equipment and to Sherlock my way through the two floors.

That morning it was even clearer than in my denial phase…I would not be able to set foot in this for a number of weeks. With no parquet floor, fuse boxes hanging out of their sockets, no actual electricity, hot or cold running water and no inside painting and this was just the inside.

The outside access was now a big long grave that had welcomed a number of funky coloured tubes but still not sure for what. The toilet etc had arrived but was still sealed on a pallet in front of the house. I got in the car and drove back to prepare myself for the Abfab wedding.

When I arrived home I got a text message of the real estate guy confirming my worst fear…the builder has come clean and admits that they are well behind schedule and that the 1st of May isn’t possible and that the 1st of June is more likely. Fantastic… with deliveries scheduled, parents flying in, painting in full progress etc I now need to be more patient again.
On Monday I will meet with the builders to get compensation for the 1 month rent and I will ask them to paint the inside too, which seems fair because they had confirmed a fortnight ago that it all would be fine. Let’s wait and see what will be the next surprise.

I guess that the disappointed only is stronger when you can actually see the finish line but in any case the line has not disappeared it merely moved a bit further.

Wash up Man

With Superman, Spiderman, Batman and of late Ironman, there are a lot of superheroes around that are helpful! However the majority are just men dressing up in silly outfits and trying to save the world. But the AsterCorperation has come up with a complete new superhero that is useful and can be purchased in every respectable Supermarket.

It is the Wash Up Man ! A powerful Michelin like man with a pointy hat that when you squeeze him the right way, will produce just about enough of green liquid that does marvels when it is mixed with water. I tried it on plates, knifes, cups and saucers and the result is amazing. Finally a Superhero that I can appreciate and that delivers results ! And that for a price inferior of that of a ticket to see Ironman! Wash Up Man coming to a sink near you soon!

Operation Goat

Creative people have creative ideas and when you need to get a present for creative people we tend to go through great lengths to be creative too. At JuniorSenior this is no different and when we needed to decide to get AbFab a wedding present, the team decided that this should be two goats. Yes very creative indeed :)

So, just a couple of days before the big day I receive an email explaining me the decision making process and the end result and basically I was voted to find them the goats. Well, as everybody know, the Goat d’Azur is very well known for its goat population and there are Goat ‘r Us Shops on every corner of every street…
First stage, Goat Google. Results quiet limited and very often not really related to the issues, although the closest I could find was Goat Kebab, not really the shape nor form I was planning on giving them.

The second stage, getting the info from experts, on the phone, per email etc
A kennel had two but didn’t wanted to sell them. Another person might sell them to me but I needed to drive for 4 hours and wasn’t sure that they would have the right ones. I mean, they needed to look like the new owners…
I visited all the possible Animaleries on the Cote d’Azur, wearing a suit and asking for goats made people suspicious and on numerous occasions I was given a real Gestapo interrogation.
Be careful because they need to be milked, they will eat everything and destroy your land, the have special needs for food and shelter, be careful that you don’t stress them etc etc.

But still goatless! I was then referred to the Agricultural Cooperative in Antibes that sells to companies and farmers and as everybody told me the last possible option. I parked my car in between some tractors and asked the lady at the reception that let me wait for 10 minutes discussing the program on last nights television. When I explained the problem she has one simple answer, sorry we don’t have those. But my bad luck was about to turn when all of a sudden a strange looking man popped from behind a pair of shelves asking me The question; Are you looking for some goats ? Yes, Sir! Well, I have them! Fantastic, two please. But I wont sell them to you! Oh, that is helpful. The guy (at closer observation) was covered in goats number two and probably cuts his hair while wearing a flowerpot, seemed less of a savour. But he said, I know a place where there is a bulletin board and I think I have seen somebody that wanted to sell goats. Great ! Lets go. We ended up staring at a board with no goat adverts on it but just a Brebis, which I forgot …but is the female sheep. That will do! I called the guy, got the usual 10 Questions to get a pseudo goat and scored 10 out of 10. I was be able to pick them up (with the future owners) and a big cheque cos the supply and demand and the subprime crisis is apparently also hitting hard on the goats market.

Now I hope that the couple will like them, cos otherwise I am obliged to take them myself, although I could make kebab…

Mind the Gap

Soon I will be kicked out of my rented property and need therefore to get everything sorted at the new house. But what is there to be sorted when things are not moving.
Yesterday end of the afternoon, I thought it was sensible to check the status since normally the inside would be finished this coming Friday. When I arrived I noticed how calm it is ... I DONT WANT CALM ! I want to see sweaty workmen (for the record this is no fantasy of mine) working from 7 to 21.00 with 100% dedication!

One gentleman was cutting up the pavement OUTSIDE the house, which could only be qualified as not on the inside so therefore, not essential. I had a talk with him and he was very clear about things, he was ordered to do so and when this was finished he was off on a holiday. Oh jolly. I went inside and noticed that the bathroom was finished apart from the toilet and sink and there was a little hole in the wall. Excuse me? Could you explain the hole please? Si, he finished the wall in the bathroom and fixed one of the shelves and he was proud to underline, that this shelf would never move again. We that might be true but there is a hole on the other side of the wall! That was not his problem, he was not hired to close the hole. But were you hired to create it? That seemed to confuse him a little.

Luckily the real estate agent showed up and noticed the delays and some of the little problems and took photos and wrote a report to the constructor.
It seems that there never is a dull moment when you get your house built but with the idea of being on the street and living in a house without a toilet, sink, hot or cold water and no kitchen...seems to scare me a bit. Oh well, they promised it will be finished at the end of the week...

The Swedish Board Computer

If you are as old as me you will of course remember Knightrider. A curly David Hasselhof driving a black car that has a mind of its own and listens to the name Kitt. This board computer system was revolutionary in the 80s and useful when David wanted to do things that were not allowed, (Michael, Michael,..) Kitt took control and we all lived happily afterwards.

Well, things have moved on and I am the proud owner of a Swedish Board Computer called Knackerbrod or something. This computer supplies with plenty of useful information and often with plenty of completely useless information. 4 weeks ago it decided to indicate that my right head light was not working properly, which I consider useful information. However, have you have tried replacing a headlight? Well you generally end up slicing your hands and spending two entire days to do so and than in the end you head to your local dealer that will do it for you, of course charging you a silly amount of money for it. (nevermind the whole staff taking the piss when you drive off)

Anyway, I decided to be like David and ignore the message. Two weeks later a new message ; Dear Mr Bos we advise you to get your car checked up. I seem to have done a lot of kilometres so useful I guess again but I ignored it again. Knackerbrod wasn’t happy with this and refuses now to display the weather, my CD titles or anything useful that I find really useful. But yesterday Knackerbrod seemed to be pissed off and starts to make even more noises and indicates that now my left light is broken too! This is rather annoying, since that leaves me with not a lot of options and a screen that is filled with message and an angry Knackerbrod.

I guess that I have to visit a car dealer soon and get things repaired cos I remember the Turbo Boost of Kitt and it surely has plenty of other messages hidden in its system. Next time I will buy a Landrover of 1970, that doesn’t have suspension and never breaks down

Miracle jumpers

This weekend the temperature has remained stable and quiet high, which means wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt is quiet warm but not too bad. I have, however, noticed that for Italians this is rather different. It is maybe a matter of class but the average Italian man, will show up in a pair of blue trousers with an elegant formal shirt and a jumper in a flashy colour. May I remind you that the temperature is 20 degrees Celsius! When they start to notice that it is quiet hot the will take off their jumper and casual put it around their shoulders. They don’t seem to mind the heat they prefer to suffer in silence and remain stylish.

You have to admire this dedication and as a matter of blending in, I have decided to follow this and become immune for the heat as well. Find myself a blue pair of trousers (D&G of course), some elegant loafers and nice blue tailored shirt and an orange jumper. Fantastic, ready to visit the local beach lounge place and impress the local crowd.

I walked from the door to the gate of the house… and almost died of the heat. There must be something I am doing wrong or they are all equipped with miracle jumpers because I am not be able to walk more than 5 minutes with it. I think I should better stick to drinking espressos and curse in Italian, that works a treat too.

Paint it black..well White

Yesterday on my way to a BCC event I stopped at the Leroy Merlin shop to purchase what I thought would be easy and inexpensive…Paint!
When I arrived at the paint department it was rather obvious that a marketing and or business degree is not really helpful here. I therefore asked helped of an elderly looking lady that smelled like a mix of food and paint. She advised me to go for white paint to cover the first layer and than use an expensive mono-couche that will take care of the imperfection of my walls (are they any…) and takes care of it all for many years to come.

Right ok, so I got one container of paint that would cover 120m2, not enough for me so a second one. Than I needed to add this first layer paint to it as well. For the kitchen and bathroom special paint is required too. But the paint is great but you need to stick it on the wall! I opted for the latest design in hairy brushes, handpicked from the bottom of a wildebeest that was grazing in South Africa and didn’t knew what was coming. Good quality I guess!

Than I need to invest in some plastic to cover the floor, a number of buckets to put the paint in and of course some tape to covers areas where paint isn’t required. Anything I forgot? Ah of course a container of orange paint to be used for an area that needs to be defined yet but you cannot have a house with an orange spot somewhere!

Moving over to the till, I spotted orange seat covers that were reduced in price and me being a sucker for impulse purchases… added this to the list.
When it was time to get the credit card out, I looked surprised at the price, painting is for the rich ! It better be good or at least gets me high while painting.

Got it all in the boot of the car until the last container decided to leave its mark on me and sliced my finger nicely. I wanted white and orange paint NOT red! The lady at the reception desk almost passed out and after the divine intervention of the security guard I was freshly bandaged-up and ready to enjoy an evening with the BCC.